Psyhotic Lobsters Taste Great With Coffee
by Last-wonderful
Summary: Christophe's home country, France, the only thing that could make this wonderful country better would be a hot twitchy blonde. And if Gregory offers them tea one more time he'll be shot. Summary sucks, terribly sorry.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning! I have never been to France! And I speak hardly any French! Most of these translations, are from Google! So if you know French, and have been to France! I am sorry, and if you have any tips, it would help! Google is my teacher at the moment.**

**And I dont own south park or everyone would be having awesome sex.**

To be home again! No mother, no God, no smelly brit telling me to bathe. Mon maison.

I think I'll grab some coffee, French coffee. Sigh.

"Bonjour, puis-je avoir un café, s'il vous plaît?"(_Hello, may I have a coffee, please_) Christophe ordered, leaning over the counter.

"T-Tout de -Ngh- suite, m-monsieur." (_Right away, sir_) The barista said, running around to prepare the simple order. Christophe watched the blonde scurry around, his body convulsing now and then.

"I-Ici, vous -Gah- allez, m-monsieur. Ce s-sera 1,10." (_Here you are, sir. It will be 1.10_) The barista said, handing the cup towards the mercenary. Christophe passed the money over to the barista, studying the boy.

"Vous avez l'air très familier." (_You look very familiar.) _Christophe said, "Avons-nous rencontrér avant?" (_Have we meet before?_)

"Je ne sais pas! Oh, mon D-Dieu! C'est l'h-homme du -Ngk- gouvernement, ils sont là pour m-me chercher! Doux -Nngh- Jésus, T-Tu vas juste attendre -Gah- jusqu'à ce que je suis seul, e-et me lier à me vendre à des vieux p-pervers! Et ce vieux -Ngk- pervers qui aime l-les petits garçons et de la -Gah- servitude, l'h-homme!" (_I don't know! Oh, God! It's the government man, they are out to get me! Sweet Jesus, you'll just wait till I'm alone, and tie me up to sell me to some old pervert! An Old pervert who likes little boys and bondage!) _The barista screamed, instantly clutching his hair and yanking, left eye twitching shut.

"Non, non. Vous êtes de South Park." (_No, No. You are from South Park._) Christophe said, "Vous étiez dans La Résistance, vous avez été l'enfant avec le bazooka." (_You were in La Resistance, you were the child with the bazooka_.)

"GAH! H-How did you -Nngh- know!" The barista said, looking at Christophe suspiciously.

" I recognize thee twitching." Christophe smirked, sipping on his coffee, admiring the taste and quality of the brew. "Vhat are you doing here, before you would sheet yourself at thee thought of going outside?"

"I-I like the -Ngh- coffee h-here." Tweek mumbled with a blush, cleaning one of the coffee cup.

"I should 'ave figured that out myzelf." Christophe chuckled, studying the blonde's actions.

"Y-Ya, most say -Ingk- that."

"I figure." Christophe hummed, eyes still watching Tweek's movements, though the boy was now serving a new customer. "Tweek" He called waving the boy over. Tweek walked over, body shaking to it's own way. "I v`ill pick you up tomorrow, et will be nice to catch up." Christophe stated, before leaving, giving Tweek no time to argue.

"Bonjour." Tweek stared up at the French man that was standing in his doorway.

When Christophe said he would come pick him, Tweek didn't really believe him since Christophe wasn't aware of where he lived, and most people don't enjoy his company. "W-What are you -Ngh- doing here!" Tweek screeched, looking up at the man in fear.

"Didn't I zey we he a date, tonight?" Christophe chuckled, looking down at the blonde.

"GAH! A-A DATE!"

"Oui." Christophe said, walking in. He ignored the blonde and plopped down on Tweek's couch, stretching himself out across it.

"Y-You said -Nngh- that w-we just were going to -Gah- catch up." Tweek said, looking down at the French man.

"Oui." Christophe said. "At a nice little restraunte, over some wine."

"W-Wait, you a-are an assasian. Y-You could -Gah- just be here, t-to g-get information on me, a-and -Ngk- you sell it t-to the g-government, man!"

"I am not bugged, I am on vacation. And I am a mercenary. " Christophe chuckled, "Though I am not surprised you would zink so, but I am off duty."

Tweek looked at him suspiciously, inspecting Christophe carefully. "Fine, you may zearch pouvez être aussi complet que tu voulez, mon petit."(_You may be as thorough as you want, little one._) Christophe said, standing up and going in front of Tweek, opening up his arms.

"P-Pas ici, à de -Ngk- nombreuses fenêtres. E-Et cessez -Ngh- de m-m'appeler 'mon p-petit'." (_Not here, to many windows. And stop calling me 'little one'._)

"Non." Christophe smirked, letting the blonde pull him into his bedroom, setting the French man on his bed. Tweek stripped Christophe of his tight black t-shirt, that was actually clean for once. Tweek inspected the shirt, going over the stitching, Tweek then went for the pants, unbuckling them and pulling them down to his ankles. When Tweek took them off, he glanced up at Christophe, seeing that the boy had a slight smirk on his face.

"I am on vacation, mon petite." Christophe chuckled, watching the boy empty his pockets and inspect the pants. Tweek just pouted, going for the French man's underwear, refusing to look like a fool. He was surprised to see Christophe's arousal, already slightly hard, when he brought down the boxer's.

"Nghk, y-you must be really kinky, -Nngh- from getting o-off on a -Gah- search." Tweek muttered, starting to inspect the underwear.

"V'en a hot blonde undresses you, you vill obviously get 'ard." Christophe said, mouth going in a frown though Tweek could see his eyes were smiling up at him.

Tweek sighed, throwing the boxer's to the side. "Are vee done now?"

"No." Tweek stated, pushing Christophe onto his back. He quickly starting inspecting Christophe's body, almost patting him down. Christophe watched with amusement as Tweek looked over his legs, inspecting between his toes, then going towards up towards his arms, looking even under his armpit's. When he thought Tweek was done, Christophe made a move to get up, but was instead flipped over. Before he could ask, his hips were lifted, and he felt his butt cheeks' being separated.

"I kind ove pictured myself as thee top." Christophe smirked, but stopped when his thigh was pinched roughly, making him reach back and rub the sore spot. "Ow, vhat waz zhat for?"

"I-I'm not -Ngk- f-fucking you." Tweek pouted, still inspecting Christophe's bottom. "I-It would b-be just -Gah- like the government t-to hide something in s-someone's butt."

"Vell, I know I 'ave a marvellous ass, but I can assure you that nothin' iz in there." Christophe scoffed softly, looking back at Tweek.

"Y-You're right, -Ngk- t-there is nothing -Gah- in there." Tweek muttered, smacking his bottom before flipping him over.

"Are ve done NOW?" Christophe asked, trying to sound annoyed when he was enjoying himself immensely.

"Hmmmm…..n-no." Tweek said, staring down. Christophe couldn't stop the smirk that went across his face as Tweek grabbed onto his cock. Tweek picking at his hair, looking through it and moving his penis around, looking at his balls and inspecting it thoroughly.

"I am zlightly hoping that something iz there," Christophe said, trying to stop the groan as Tweek continued fondling his dick, accidentally pumping it a bit. "Ju'zt to see vhat you vill do."

"W-Well, I -Ngh- could tie you to the bed with f-fuzzy handcuffs -Gah- and spank you, t-till you beg for me -Ingk- to fuck you." Tweek chuckled, moving his search onto Christophe's head, much to Christophe's disappointment.

Christophe smirked, leaning forward so he was whispering in Tweek's ear, huskily. "I vould be up for zhat."

"G-Great, now I h-have to watch my -Ngh- drink t-tonight." Tweek grumbled, pushing Christophe back.

"No you don't, I vi'll just charm you weeth my zexy accent, I do not need a zilly little pill to get you in bed weith me." Christophe chuckled, leaning back onto his arms.

"Inghk! S-Skrew this!" Tweek pushed up, jumping off the bed and walking out of the room. Christophe just stayed on the bed, wondering what the blonde man was doing. Soon Tweek came back, carrying a large pot. Christophe sat there, watching as Tweek stood in front of him, holding the pot. He was about to say something, before Tweek poured the pot of freezing cold water onto Christophe.

"VHAT VAZ ZAT FOR!" Christophe screamed, whipping the wet hair out of his eyes.

"I-If you had any -Ngk- bugs on you, t-they would be b-broken by the -Ngh- w-water." Tweek said, handing Christophe his clothes.

"Vy'e didn't you think ove that zooner?" Christophe smirked, sliding his shirt on. "If you wanteed to zee me nakeed, you could 'ave just asked."

"I-I'm really -Ngh- just t-that paranoid." Tweek said with a huff, offended a bit.

"V'ell, zince you got to zee me naked, iz it my turn for a strip teaze?" Christophe said, raising his eyebrow as he pulled his pants up.

"I-I'am not -Ngh- that e-easy." Tweek pouted, crossing his arms.

"Au contraire, I bet that I vill get in your pantz by thee end ove thee night." Christophe said confidently, smirking proudly.

"W-What do you -Gah- bet?" Tweek asked, studying the French man.

"If I vin; I get that stripe teaze, and anything elze I azk for. If you vin, I vill ztop calling you 'mon petite', and anything elze YOU want." Christophe bargained, raising his hand. "Shake on eet?"

Tweek looked at him, before reaching out his hand, taking Christophe's hand in his own. "D-Deal."

YOUALSOGOTTOLOVELINGEREE

"O-Okay, -Ngh- this I-I'm enjoying." Tweek smirked, looking up at the French man. Said French man was wearing heels, garters, and a thong.

"L'accent est toujours efficace." (_The accent always works._) Christophe grumbled, standing in front of Tweek awkwardly.

"P-Pas cette -Ngh- fois-ci ...m-mon petite." (_Not this time…little one._) Tweek giggled, picking up his glass of wine. "Ne -Gah- devriez-v-vous danser m-maintenant, Christophe?" (_Shouldn't you be dancing by now, Christophe?_)

Christophe started to dance for Tweek, rubbing against him. Tweek just giggled, sipping on his wine while watching the boy's lap dance. "I 'ope you are 'appy." Christophe growled, ass shaking in Tweek's face.

"V-Very." Tweek said, giving his ass a smack. "Gah, y-you would have -Ngh- made me do the s-same."

"Non, I v'ould have made you do it wee'th a pole." Christophe chuckled, sliding into Tweek's lap. "And I do zlightly enjoy thez."

"Hehe, I-I -Ngh- knew y-you would." Tweek giggled, sliding his hands up Christophe's sides.

"Zo you 'ave a dirty zide?" Christophe chuckled, grinding against Tweek.

"O-Only for sexy -Ngh- French accents, and the m-men who -Gah- have them." Tweek smirked, grinding back.

" 'ow much wine 'ave you 'ad?" Christophe asked, noticing the boys words were slightly slurred, and smelling the wine on his breath, instead of coffee.

"I-I'm on -Ngh- m-my second bottle." Tweek giggled, kissing Christophe's collar bone.

"Fuck." Christophe groaned, getting off of Tweek. He got up, and flopped down on Tweek's arm chair, running his hand through his hair.

"W-What are you -Ngh- doing?" Tweek asked, getting on the floor and crawling towards Christophe.

"You are drunk." Christophe said, pushing Tweek down as he tried to crawl up onto his lap.

"S-So?" Tweek continued, his hand running up Christophe's leg to cup his hard on. "-Ngh, I-isn't this w-what you wanted?"

Christophe groaned, moving the blonde's hand and trying to restrain himself from letting the blonde continue. "It will be no fun weeth you drunk, I do not want to take advanteege of you, and you v'ill just be furious in thee morning."

Christophe was surprised when Tweek pulled back with a smile, leaning on his hands, head twitching to the side. "Gnk, r-right answer."

"Pardon?" Christophe asked, raising an eyebrow.

"R-Right answer!" Tweek said with a smile, standing up.

"Vor vhat?" Christophe questioned, studying the blonde.

"N-Now I -Ngh- know t-that I'm -Gah- not a o-one nightstand!" Tweek said cheerfully, getting up with a stretch.

"Vone. Night. Ztand?" Christophe sounded out, glaring at the blonde. "You made me go through z'at torture, to zee if I waz loyal?"

"Oui~!" Tweek sang, walking away with a little sway of his hips. "I-I'm not drunk -Gah- by t-the way!"

"Fuck." Christophe growled, before tackling Tweek to the ground, successfully pinning him down easily. "You 'ave to pay for the torture you 'ave put me through, _mon petite._"

Christophe didn't give Tweek any time to argue, quickly throwing him over his shoulder, and carrying him to the boy's bedroom. "P-Put me down -Ngh- C-Christophe! T-Tu croissant -Ngh- de f-fumer stupide -Gah- pédé français, p-pose moi!" (_You stupid smoking faggy French croissant, put me down!_)

"Non. And you shall pay vor that remark!" Christophe laughed, throwing him onto the bed. "I v'ill just 'ave to fuck you into submission."

Tweek just giggled, raising his hand to his face. "Vhat the fuck, iz so funny?"

"I-I don't think -Nngh- someone w-wearing h-high heels -Ngk- I-is going to fuck -Gah- a-anyone into s-submission." Tweek laughed, patting Christophe's thigh.

"I zink you underestimate me, mon petite." Christophe laughed, removing the heels. "And, I can alwayz remove thee hi' heels." Christophe took off the garters, and the thong soon after. "Now, vat do you zhink?"

"T-That thing -Ngk- I-isn't going inside o-of me." Tweek muttered, pointing down at 'not-so-mini Christophe'.

""Pardon, je n'ai pas très bien cela?"(_Pardon, I didn't quite catch that?_) Christophe smirked, figuring out why Tweek was looking so worried.

"O-Okay, je vais -Ngh- mettre de c-cette façon, V-VOTRE GIGANTESQUE -GAH- PéNIS, EST NULLEMENT E-EN ENFER EN COURS -Gnk- DANS MON PETIT TROU D-DU CUL , L'H-HOMME! C'est beaucoup trop de -Ngh- pression! " (_Okay, I'll put it this way; YOUR GIGANTIC PENIS, IS NO WAY IN HELL GOING IN MY TINY ASSHOLE, MAN! It's way too much pressure!_)

"Oh, mon gigantesque pénis qui se passe dans votre petit trou. Que vous le vouliez ou non." (_Oh, my gigantic penis is going into your tiny hole. Whether you like it or not._) Christophe growled, ripping Tweek's shirt open. Tweek gasped as the cold hit his torso, Christophe quickly making way on his pants.

"I-I just -Gah- bought that shirt." Tweek whimpered, bottom lip sticking out in a small pout.

Christophe leaned forward, biting at his Tweek's lower lip. "I vill buy you a new von, mon petite."

"Y-You -Ngh- better." Christophe just laughed, removing Tweek's pants and underwear.

"See, iz not zhat bad of a size." Christophe said, lifting Tweek's legs up, so he could see his asshole. "If it iz to small, it vill just stretch from me pounding into you."

"I w-would have -Ngh- k-kicked you out long a-ago if it w-wasn't for t-that accent." Tweek grumbled, glaring up at Christophe.

"No, you alzo kept me vor my deeck." Christophe smirked, rummaging though Tweek's bedside drawers for some lubrication. He grabbed something, raising it up to show to Tweek. "Vhat is theez?"

"I-I -Gah- t-told you -Ngh- I-I'm paranoid." Tweek said, looking away from the gun shyly.

"Can you use thez?" Christophe asked, handing the gun to Tweek. Tweek raised his arm, aiming for a café poster on his wall. He pulled the trigger, getting the bullet right where he was aiming on the poster, the absolute top of the steam from the coffee.

"N-Now you -Ngh- have to b-buy me a -Gah- new poster." Tweek muttered, handing the gun back.

"That ezz fucking hot." Tweek just raised his eyebrow, looking at Christophe who was staring at the bullet mark, boner obviously apparent.

"Y-You are -Nngh- r-really weird." Tweek laughed, taking the gun back.

"Zays thee tweatcher." Christophe snarled, glaring at the boy.

"I d-didn't say -Nngh- I d-didn't like it." Tweek said, head twitching to the side.

"Can you do zat again?" Christophe asked, smiling widely.

"Non." Tweek said, putting the gun away.

"Vhy not?" Christophe growled, moving towards the oblivious Tweek.

"Gnk, I-I don't need -Gah- more holes f-for the gnomes -Nngk- to g-get into." Tweek grumbled, slamming the drawer shut.

"Vell, I vill just 'ave to punish you 'arder." Christophe said huskily, Tweek finally turning towards him to find him face-to-face with Christophe.

"W-What the-!" Tweek was cut off by being pushed on his back, legs lifted onto Christophe's shoulder.

"On'zee count of three, mon petite." Christophe chuckled, rubbing the tip of his penis against Tweek's small hole.

"W-Wait! Nngh, a-aren't you going t-to -Gnk- use l-lube or something!"

"Une."

"T-That -Ngk- is no way I-in hell g-going inside m-me, man! I-It won't -Ngk- fit!"

"Deux."

"C-Christophe 'the -Ngh- mole' Delorne, -Gah- p-pose moi!" (_Put me down!_)

"Trois."

"GAH!" Tweek screamed, arching his back as Christophe quickly thrusted into him.

[WARNING BADDLY WRITEN SEX SCENE-SKIP IF YOU HAVE A BADDA-SEX-SCENE-A-PHOBIA]

Tweek yelped, reaching up and gripping onto Christophe's shoulder, nails cutting into his shoulders. "O-Ow." He whimpered, slight tears coming to his eyes.

"Shhhhhh, it vill get better, mon petite." Christophe hushed, stroking Tweek with one hand as he slowly started thrusting into Tweek. Leaning down, and gently kissing Tweek's mouth.

"I-It hurts." Tweek muttered, clenching around Christophe, making the man moan.

"Vell…vhat about now?" Christophe said, quickly thrusting and hitting Tweek's prostate dead on.

Tweek screamed Christophe's name, arching up into the man. "Gah, H-harder, p-plaire!" (_please_)

"Oui, mon petite." Christophe purred, starting to rapidly go in and out of the boy, hitting his prostate every time. Tweek quickly realized when Christophe's penis twitched inside of him, that he liked it when Tweek spoke French.

And Tweek wanted to test that out a bit. Hey, curiosity killed the cat.

"Christophe, plus dur, s'il vous plaît. Je veux vous tous à l'intérieur de moi, j'ai besoin de toi à jouir dans le côté de moi. S'il vous plaît, Christophe." (_Christophe, harder, please. I want all of you inside of me, I need you to cum in side of me. Please, Christophe._)

"Fuck." Christophe growled, his hips movement becoming more erratic, pounding into Tweek's thin body. (**Even from my crappy dirty talk**)

Christophe and Tweek both soon came, riding out their orgasms. Together.

Christophe pulled out of Tweek, slipping besides the boy onto the bed. "Bonsoir, mon petite."

"Y-You sound like a -Ngh- pedophile." Tweek snickered with a yawn, eyes flickering, trying to stay awake.

"At leazt the response I get iz not 'Zpeak English ya faggy croissant.'" Christophe huffed, sliding his arms around Tweek's slender waist.

"Bonsoir, Christophe." (_Goodnight._)


	2. READ

**THIS NOTICE WILL BE TAKEN DOWN IN ONE WEEK**

**ATTENTION, IF ANY OUT THERE, ALL READERS**

**I HAVE LOST INTREST IN SOUTH PARK FANSTUFFAND WRITING, I MYSELF HAVE NOT LOOKED AT ANY FANART IN FOREVER AND ONLY KEEP IN FOCUS ANY ONESHOTS THAT CATCH MY EYE OR STORIES I HAVE STARTED READING AND JUST WAITING FOR UPDATES**

**SOME OF MY STORIES I WILL BE CONTINUING AND I WILL PROBABLY POST ONESHOTS TIME TO TIME, BUT RARELY. I AM GOING TO TRY TO GET BACK IN THE WRITING GROVE NOW MY COMPUTER HAS STARTED WORKING AGAIN BUT IT'LL BE HARD**

**ONE'S I AM DISCONTINUING ARE**

**-LOLO, I GOT SOME APPLES (i am really sad that i am stopping writing this one, but i can't think of anything else. may have a rewrite or a new CraigxButters story)**

**-MINIBUDDIES**

**-PHSYCOTIC LOBSTERS TASTE GREAT WITH COFFEE (sadly i stopped before the chapter with the phsycotic lobster)**

**-SMILEY TOWN VS. TREASURE ISLAND (possible rewrite, much darker rewrite)**

**I AM UNSURE OF A SIMPLE KISS DONT BET ON IT THERE MIGHT ONLY BE ONE NEW POST THEN IT WILL DISSAPEAR TILL (IF) I GET MY ASS IN GEAR**

**I AM CONTINUING MY STOLOVAN STORY AND MY NEW MASTER AND SERVANT, COFFEE AND INDOOR HOTTUBS, ALSO I WILL POST MY CRAIGXTOKEN STORY THAT WILL PROBABLY BE CALLED GET IT UP. THOSE WILL MOST LIKELY BE THE ONLY ONES I WILL CONTINUE IF I CANT GET MY ASS IN GEAR FOR A SIMPLE KISS AND THIS OTHER SOTRY I WONT TALK ABOUT BECAUSE IT KEEPS CHANGING**

**I AM GOING TO TRY TO GET AT LEAST ONE STORY UPDATED IN THE NEXT OONE OR TWO WEEKS, MOST LIKELY IT WOULD BE HOW THE NUMBER GUY FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DUMBASS OR POSTING MY CRAIGXTOKEN STORY...OR MAYBE BOTH IF I KEEP MY FINGERS CROSSED**


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